“Take a deep breath,”  the man tells himself.  “Think about what you are going to say,”  he reminds himself.  Then the man begins to speak the words that he chose carefully in the heated discussion with his mate.  He successfully avoided escalating the conversation into an argument and all-out fight.  Something that has happened many times during their relationship.

Learning to understand when it is time for a self-imposed “time-out” is a key ingredient to the recipe for successful relationships.  It is when one says everything that enters their mind, without intention is often times the beginning of an argument.  It is important to speak with intention and to listen carefully for what the other person is saying.

Speak your mind, but remember to mind what you speak.   Carefully, choosing your words and saying only things that have “intent” behind them can help you in all of your relationships.   Ask yourself if what you are going to say is going to “help” or “hurt” the current discussion and potentially damage the relationship.  Speaking with intention is making sure that you only say the things that you consciously choose to say.

The flip side of this, is “listening with intention.”  When you listen with intention you are making a purposeful attempt to really “hear” and understand what it is the other person is trying to tell you.  “Half listening” while doing something else is not listening with intention.  When listening with intention you are focusing all of your “attention” on the speaker.  You close down the chatter of your mind and absorb the content of the words being spoken.  You are not “waiting to speak” but rather connecting with the speaker.

Now, granted many speakers do not speak with intention and may have a  tendency to do what seems to you to be “rambling.”  However, look at that as good practice for you to keep your focus on what it is they are saying.  Being an “active listener” means that you do not complete the speaker’s sentences in an attempt to make things go faster, but rather, you let them speak at the rate that is comfortable to them.

Expressing one’s self is sometimes difficult for people to do.  As such, it is important that the person knows you are actively engaging in what it is they are attempting to convey to you.  It is important to let the speaker know that you care enough about what they have to say, to give them “your time” to say it.

Nothing is worse than for someone to express themselves to a person who is not engaged in listening.  Suppose you have something that is rather important, at least to you, to convey to your mate, and your mate is fiddling with their electronic device, saying a periodic, “a huh.”  How does that make you feel?

You might say, “well I would listen, but they do not listen to me, so why should I?”  The answer, is that you should listen because it is the right thing to do in order to connect with others – even when they may not reciprocate when you are speaking.  Also, when you listen actively, you are teaching others by example how to do the same.  When you do not listen, you are implicitly telling the other person that it is okay for him or her not to listen to you.

Communication can be one of the most difficult acts to perform in the physical world.  There are so many aspects to communicating that can get in the way.  Past experiences may “taint” the interpretation of the conversation.  The “tone” or expressions of the speaker may influence the apparent “sincerity” of the conversation.  And the skills of the listener may impact how well the speaker is “heard.”  Knowing the difficulty of this exercise, should encourage you to give it your undivided attention.

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When someone is speaking, set down your devices and listen with the intention of understanding and connecting to them.  When you do that, just maybe, you will get the same courtesy in return when you are the speaker.

Written Mon Mar 10, 2014 7:40 – 7:55 AM MT