“I’m really sorry.  I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“That’s okay, just try not to do it again.  What you said really hurt me, though.”

“I know, I really didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Okay, I forgive you.  Let’s go eat.”

Ω

Can you imagine this dialog?  It might be two good friends,  two young children, two mates.  It could be just about anyone.  Maybe you’ve had a discussion similar to this one recently.

The interesting thing about this discussion is it keeps things at the level of the relationship.  The connection between two people, without attacking the other.   In the end, the person who was “harmed” forgives the other and they move forward.

Do you think the relationship is stronger now or weaker than it was before the discussion?  We would argue that the relationship grew stronger as a result of this open and honest dialog.

Why is it then that so many people go through their lives without this kind of discussion with people that they once had a relationship with?  Someone who they maybe once loved, and still love, but had most likely a simple misunderstanding?  Why is it that we have difficulties swallowing our pride and owning our own part of any kind of disagreement?

In the dialog above, only one person owned the part that they said something that hurt the other.  However, in most cases, each party is equally responsible for any kind of falling out.  Each party must “own” their own role in the disagreement.  When one party comes to the “center” and beyond, just to “patch things up” without the other person moving a bit towards the center themselves, it generally becomes a short-term “fix.”

Each person must understand that usually disagreements have “two sides” to the story.  Without rehashing each person’s view of the “event” that caused the riff, it is best to understand that you have as much a part of the disagreement as the other person.

Think about a car accident that is witnessed by two people.  Often times police officers will report that when asked separately, they are given two different accounts of the accident by the witnesses.  Maybe you hear your mate telling a story and you interrupt her, convinced that she is recalling the event incorrectly, when in fact, you are off in your recollection.

Each person sees and hears things differently in the world.  Each person’s perception and “reality” is based on their belief system and their previous experiences.  When someone says, “I wish you would do x,”  you might take great offense to that, because a person who you once dated said that to you all of the time.  To the person speaking, they may like it when someone uses that phrase when speaking tot him.

Everyone has a different view of the world.  As such, you need to understand that even though you may not have had the intent to hurt someone, you may have in fact hurt them.  When the two of you have an open, honest, calm discussion you may be able to understand what it is you did or said that made them think you were trying to hurt them.  You may then explain to them the original intent of what you were trying to convey.

However, when you do not take the time nor care enough about the relationship to attempt this sort of discussion, you are basically saying that you like to be “hurt” and that you do not care enough about the relationship to give the person a chance to explain their behaviors.  No one is ever “right” and no one is ever “wrong” in these kinds of “riffs.”

Let go of your need to be “right” and understand that even though you may not have had the intent to hurt someone, their interpretation of your actions may in fact have caused them pain.  Take the time to understand their position so that you might avoid future issues down the road.  Take the time to let them know how much you care about them, so that they might not make the same interpretations of your behaviors in the future.

InspiraCard

Relationships require communication.  Communicating your thoughts to another is difficult to put into words, speech, emails, or texts.  Understand that when you think you should feel hurt, is the time to have a face-to-face discussion.  For the reality is, no one really wants to hurt you.

Written Tue Apr 15, 2014 6:55 – 7:12 AM MT