Do you ever feel like you are talking and no one is listening?  It’s kind of like the saying, “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, did it make a sound?”  Sometimes when you are speaking and the person or persons to which you are talking are “elsewhere” in their mind, it may feel as though “you are not making a sound.”

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about this issue.  However, you can “lead by example.”  Demonstrate to others how to be an active listener.  Show them how to provide eye contact to the person speaking.   Listen to them without thinking about what you are going to say next.  Engage with them, and treat the speaker with the respect for which they deserve.

Sometimes in life there can be many frustrations in relationships and in interacting with others.  That is part of sharing the planet with other people.  However, just imagine how bored you would get if you were on the planet all alone!

If the role of listener is not something that you are accustomed, we would recommend that you begin to pay attention to yourself.  When your mate is speaking, do you really listen?  Do you engage with him or her and truly listen to what they are saying?  You might reply, “well, they talk so much I couldn’t possibly listen to everything.  I have other things to do.”

That may be the case, but maybe the reason he or she talks a lot is because you do not hear what they are saying, and they have to continually repeat their words.  Maybe if you both spoke and listened with intention, your words would be heard.  Maybe we should begin to listen as though the voice is coming from afar.

For example, suppose you receive an overseas phone call.  We understand that this is an old form of communication, but bear with us for a moment.  Suppose you receive a phone call from a family member whom you have not communicated with in many weeks.   The person is travelling in distant lands and places a phone call to you.   Do you think you will listen to what he is telling you?

You will also find that when you speak, there may be a bit of a lag on the phone.   As such, if you both speak at the same time, you effectively “cancel out” each other, and no one’s voice is heard.

When you speak with someone you might think about a couple of things.  If this person is not here on this planet tomorrow, will I wish that I listened to her today?  The other thing you might consider is to listen before speaking and to not speak until there is a pause – similar to an overseas telephone call.

Doing these two things can begin to show others by example, on how to be an active listener.  We cannot control how others behave but we can be a good example on how he or she might behave.

However, we understand that even with these “gentle cues” the other person may talk and talk without a pause to let you get a word in edgewise.   You may find that kind of behavior might occur more often, now that you are an active listener.  For when someone discovers an “active listener” they find the need to tell you everything – since they may have finally found someone who seems to care.

When you listen, you tell the other person you care.  When you ignore, you are sending the signal of “I have other more important things to do.”   Unfortunately, in today’s world, that important thing to do is often look at my phone, play my game, or better yet – see what my “other” friends are doing through their social media.

Be aware of the signals that you send others.  Be aware of the model that you are teaching your children.  Be aware of the moments that you are missing, and be aware of your own life.

If you want to be in a relationship with friends, family, co-workers and complete strangers, you must learn how to listen.  You will find that everyone begins to “like” you even though they may know nothing about you.

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Listening is a skill that is often underdeveloped.  Listening is not taught in the schools, nor usually by parents.  When listening is taken for granted, it can be fatal to a relationship.  When the tree falls, it makes a sound, but if no one was there to hear it they missed the magnificence of that event.  Be there to witness the events of the people who are important in your life.

Written Mon Jan 20, 2014, 7:10 – 7:28 AM MT